Aaronicimo

So I've been biking to work for the past few days, and even to school (east campus?! wtf?!) sometimes. I'll wrap my work shirt or something around my neck, put my headphones in, and use those hiker-clip things to keep my keys from going anywhere, and off I go. It's totally re-connected me with the dirt-poor-as-shit-but-happy me that I was when I first went to college and lost all my money. This has done much for my psyche and overall happiness.

We forget how much we take advantage of the commodities we have in technology. In accordance with all of the theories that nature is the one-and-never-ending experience of truth and beauty, it really helped me get in touch with that by not using my car as much. Not to mention the cardio workout, which is another way of getting in touch with something important: your own body.

The only little problems that build up from living away from home are only a result of too much secluded time in a world where we can be as conveniently lazy as we want. This is the fucking perfect recipe for depression. How did I forget that for so long? I get so much more in touch with everybody and everything after giving my body the occasional push [soccer included.]

BESIDES my goddam bicycle, though, life has been pretty great. Nothing has changed, really, except my perceptions of a lot of things. I still feel like I want to quit work because it's a waste of time; but for the same reason I bike instead of take my perfectly-fine-car, I work to remember what it is to not be so blessed and privileged as we all are in some way or another.


I still keep my eye open for a fitting mate, but despite how I find lots of great candidates, they all share a great thing in common: their own lives. (Distance, usually.) Just like I have mine. But man, I feel so ready for a girlfriend or something. Regardless, though, this is the last priority in my life, because I'm enjoying everything so well without it; why fix what ain't broken? This is the question, my friends. Do we want something decent? Or keep trying to fix it until it's perfect? Well, [according to this detailed as fuck personality test I took] supposably I'm an inventor, so I'm going to keep fixing until I invent a better one.

Listening to full albums with my spare time, as opposed to as background music for other activities, is a really great mood-upper. How can one have not taken advantage of this for so long?

( Lol vent. )

In not-whiny news, on new inspection of my credit hours and necessary classes for both degrees, I am almost sure I can get my AA by the end of next [spring] term. Oh, where the time goes.

( Degree/Future choices questions )

Dedicated to only you. But who is that you? Not even I know.

I just know that dedication is so strong, so powerful, that it guides me from left to right, front to back, in to out. It's that small voice that keeps me from getting into those horrible situation, and that guides me to the right places at the right times. It's that small hint of talent at making good friends, because they subconsciously share your dedication, in some fashion. It's that laying under the blanket, in the dim light, with the beautiful music playing, knowing that you'd rather spend this moment nowhere else, with no one else, in the entire world. It's that coming home to your family, when you should be doing a million other things, knowing that they gave you the dedication you have, and you enjoy celebrating the fact that that dedication is there, because you gave it to me, in your blood. It's the reason you get up early in the morning, and don't yell at every fucking moron which makes your life more difficult. It's the realizing the tense switched from first to third in the middle of writing this, because for some reason it sounds better, or maybe because you just don't like typing the word "me" too many times for fear of sounding self-absorbed to just yourself. It's that reason you don't skip class, don't ask your parents for money, that you hurt yourself to be stronger, that you destroy time to be able to gain more.

A means to an end. But a beautiful worthy means because you know where it's guaranteed to end. It's every step, because none of them ever had to be taken. It's choice.

It could be to a person. But I have no one. Don't know if I ever will. Because my love belongs to the stage. I suppose, maybe, if someone could share it with me, show me things about it I never knew, now that, would constitute some lovin'.

I really feel like I've been over-working myself. In every sense. Mentally, physically, spiritually? It's come to result in a bunch of just, i.m.o., sloppy work.

I got employee of the month last month, which gives me over $50 in straight up cash and free stuff. I don't feel I deserved it even a little bit, because work is the place where I relieve my mind by sitting and watching movies for hours. Even with that, though, I'm more of a motivated worker than most people I work with, which is the sad thing. This upsets me for two reasons: one, they like me too much when I don't even like my job. Two: most people are overtly lazy.

I haven't done stand up in a few weeks because I know I'm too exhausted on Sunday nights to do it. The last time I tried to do stand up exhausted I didn't remember half of my jokes and practically made a fool of myself (I pulled off making them laugh and made a joke of the fact I didn't remember anything, which was a life-saver, but otherwise the set was too short). Sunday is usually my only day to regenerate my body. This is a bit of a problem. Not because of not being able to do stand up, but because I really don't want to go out or do anything most nights because I'm exhausted.

In school is the only place I do things properly. I learn a lot and get tons done, and really expand my mind on all of this stuff. But it's not that I'm well rested during these things, either. I suppress it one way or another with my desire to learn, and that hasn't stopped me from falling asleep quite a few times in some classes where I really wish I didn't. Funnily enough, though, this is the main problem. On average I spend over 20 hours a week in school. I'm registered for 18 credit hours, as well (which is obnoxious).

Lastly, and most importantly, this has had an effect on my relationships with people. Being busy all the time and tired all the rest of the time, I almost never want to go out and see people and/or do things. When I get home all I want to do is play video games to wind down, and that even has an affect on my relationship with two of my favorite people, my roommates. I'm really not liking myself at the moment because of all of this.

Not to mention I'm having a hard time differentiating what's funny to me, and what's funny to other people. My jokes have become cold and dark and just come off as some asshole trying to annoy people. This is not the real me, this is the exhausted, personally annoyed, trying-to-make-up-for-it me by saying the first things that come to mind, and I end up just pissing people off a lot. I don't want to do this anymore, and start being more conscious of everyone around me.

Somethings gotta give. Either something in me, or something in the outside world. Maybe I'll just start going to bed at 10pm, that'll work fine. But who can do that? Also, I need to be less of a douchebag, manage my time better, etc. etc. Lots of things.

To start off, I've been reading some beautiful literature lately. Ayn Rand, Camille Paglia (all thanks to Nicole), Thoreau, and random bits of all kinds of stuff. Not to mention listening to some beautiful indie, prog, and even hip-hop.

Anyway, after being in the Sound program for a year, I FINALLY have found good musicians to play with. And the funny thing is, only one of them I met through school. Everyone else are local musicians, people that play for hire mostly, because they don't have bands they like enough to stick with. I've been getting really excited with them and feel like we're going to make really beautiful music.

I've also been staying real late for labs in the studios, and even coming in on days that aren't mine and staying, and I've been learning a lot. I've come to learn that if you work with everybody, you can be the musician everyone is working on, and so I plan to take advantage of that, and get some stuff done really well.

It's amazing how I don't mind being in school or the studio for hours upon hours on end. It really just feels like a career at this point. This is what my career will be like and I'm going to love it.

Going down to Pines made me realize...I need to remember a lot of things. Some things are beautiful, and need to be treated as such. I need to tend to them very carefully, and treat like a delicate flower. A delicate touch is the best touch.

I don't even wish for love anymore. It'll come one day. Inner peace is all I'm concerned with.

Life is so fucking beautiful.

I can't believe all of the great progressions we've made as people. I have to give kudos to so many I would have never thought I would.

We all have so many great friends amongst us and we can never forget that.

And even more importantly: we have so many great talents, and possibilities, and we can never forget that!

We are in our prime, hardly anymore the children we were in high school, but stepping the stages into adulthood where we start to grow the size and capacity to make the mark we want to make.

Yeah, we are all a little scared. We all have our little flaws. Our little personality faults. But everyone on the planet has those, and we do what we can to accept all of us for what we are, and that is what makes us great. That's what gives us the room to grow and become greater. That love. We all share it.

If there's one thing I tend to forget a little too often, is the great people we have our lives to share with. Including our personal selves. Don't let life make you forget how special you are.

I love
books
because you can
read them
anytime
anywhere.

Whilst eating
before sleeping
waiting
and my personal
favorite:
shitting.

Lately
I've been
reading
a lot of
BUKOWSKI
and I've had
the urge
to start typing
everything
just
like

this.

So I just got out of my first Economics class; it was a really great experience. I first went in with no expectations short of "can't wait to get this out of the way", and the professor comes in with a really stern, boring look and that doesn't help my fear that this is going to be really boring. But he starts to walk to the center of the class, pulls a table out to lean on, and as he moves around and starts to get comfortable, my gaydar starts goin' crazy, and I'm thinking, hey, a gay guy, that'll hopefully be a bit more exciting. Then lo and behold, this spectacular voice with a more spectacular lisp emerges from him, and he starts the class off. He has a masters degree in economics and teaches that and calculus, and somehow turns economics into calculus, with functions and relations and algorythms to all these economic concepts. He's also really funny, and it's just great to be listening to a commanding personality that knows how to adapt to the class.

Basically, I've always liked Economics, but it's so great to have professors that are interesting, personable, and actually care about what we learn, and know the best ways to communicate it to us.

Ay, off to next class.

I've been truly evaluating myself over the past few days and seeing where I stand with everyone in my life. I have been mending old relationships and building off of new ones. In my line of work, I get to meet new people every day, share new experiences, and feed off the enormous amount of energy given off by most people. It's absolutely beautiful. I am truly blessed to be given this opportunity to live off the rhythm that life itself produces.

Through these experiences I have figured myself out. I can truly look into my mirror and know who I really am. I fleshed myself out because of all the great friends I have and all the memories and conversations we have shared. Over the past few weeks, however, I have found something new about myself; something that has been festering at the bottom of my soul. You see, I get all this energy from all the people that surround me, but I seem to get much more from men. I wasn't exactly sure what it meant at first, but as time wore on, it became more and more evident that I prefer men over women in every situation. I no longer show any interest in women. Now that I have found out what I truly love, I can be HAPPY with myself all the time. This is a giant weight off my shoulders; I no longer have to lie to myself and my peers. I am finally just ME.

that's when you know shit it gonna go down

I have been shown again and again how there is really no solid cement around your feet for anything, no matter how much you try. Which is why we can't care about where our feet are at the moment. For everything you want or feel, you will be sincerely tested for how much you really want or care about it. I've been passing a lot of tests, most, but a lot I have to re-take. And it may take me to fail worse and worse until I finally take the time to study before it, in which I pass. I'm also not talking about school, which hopefully you get.

I'm very compulsive by nature and don't like to prepare for anything, but to do that with everything, I won't get anywhere. The urges to do things the ways you impulsively want to ARE NOT SUPPOSED to apply to everything, and I have very recently even understood this concept so fully.

Filter. Choose your battlegrounds. Closer and closer to my goals I get, but so much stands in the way. A constant and never-ending struggle to accomplishment that is a glorious fight, where the fogs of weakness and cynicism will not prevent me from passing through them.

I don't care anymore if it means shit or not. What matters is what I choose to matter.

EVERYTHING IS DEAD!

Except my life, or anything.

Just my aim conversations.

I got no cash, got no girl, but I got the world in the palm of my hand.
'Cause I'm a little kid and I got little problems and, I don't give a shit if you don't understand.
Cause I got me, yeah I got me.
That's all I need.
And I live comfortably,
and I sleep peacefully.

I don't want to hear, I don't want to be near you, or your friends,
or your dime-a-dozen miseries.
I don't care if you care about the way you wear your hair
or your shoes, or your idiot attitude.
Don't you stop because I want to hear your problems.
Don't you stop because I want to help you solve them.
Don't stop.

I break the surface so I can breath
I close my eyes so I can see
I tie my arms, to be free.
Have you ever been free?

I burn a fire to stay cool
I burn myself, I am the fuel.
I never meant to be cruel.
Have you ever been cruel?

React to stay alive
eat anything to survive,
I don't want to die.
Have you ever been dead?

Both are useful, but they should be used for different purposes. If you want to have a conversation, you should talk on the phone. It's much more effecient, not annoying, and even though it may be "awkward" for some people to have direct conversations because of small spaces of silence that only last a few seconds at most, you should practice your horrible social skills by atleast trying to not feel slightly insecure in something as simple as a short-handed conversation.

Texting is really good for getting simple messages across without having to go through the trouble of making a phone call, and for giving punctual information which doesn't require any back. Many people have a problem with taking too long with texts because of keypads, but most phones are coming with little keyboards, touch-screens, or atleast the T-9 program so that you don't have to fret about annoying number pads.

But for the love of all that is good, mass-texting, chain-texts, annoying texts from people you don't want to talk to? You don't have to answer a phone call, but people can text you all day and you're pretty much going to read everything they want to text you, because you don't get a choice if it shows up on your phone or not. And when you already take the time to look at your phone because if vibrated or beeped or whatever, you're gonna atleast see what the annoying asshole said, as it may only take a couple seconds to read.

To finish this on a much more biased, hateful note: texting is far too over-used, is stupid, and everyone that uses it as a replacement for basic conversation is an idiot and annoys everyone.

The breaking of the barriers is like the repeating of every single monotonous day. As it may seem to be a painful experience, the natural high to follow must proceed from this oh-so-notorious pain. The high is the truth is the greatest feeling you have ever felt, the knowing of yourself and of what is to become of you, in a sense. Our greatest gift is that we know not what shall occur in our lives, only that we have the ability to proportionately change it relative to our power of will and action. What shall happen and what will and what we shall change is not directly relative to our natural high, but how much we see into the barriers, and not even how many we have broken down but how many we can see through, and know the core exists. The core is the high is the greatest feeling you have ever felt.

Bracing cold wind
like the sun on tired pale skin
I prefer it to comfort any day

Sleep in the heat
then dance on the hot street (with bare feet)
while laughing faces stare
I prefer it to adherence, anyway

Planning your life out to please all of the
floating heads
You'd get better use of your time
out of counting them

This is my reaction, to all that's gone on.
To sit back, and watch it continue on.

In the face of anything with a face, I'll look at the funny face. They all have a different joke.
The devils are the ones who didn't laugh, when the first big joke was told.

The joke is about the game, the game we play.
We've always been playing, but stop complaining, it's not supposed to be fair. Just everywhere.
Always has been, never changed. It can't try to be fair, because it doesn't make rules.
There are none, and your time's done if you keep trying to pretend like they're are.

That's fake shit, let's grow up.
You're way too insecure, and head's full of fear. Slam it against a wall.
You'll learn more from that impact than anything else.

Look at my mouth and say,
"Hey man, I know where your coming from."
Yeah, bullshit.

James is really right. There's such a thing.

I'm done with it.

I really, really hate this part of life. I hate having to do it this way. It's just...wrong. This should never, ever have to happen. But we are given no other option at this point.

Identity crisis, don't know why I'm like this
Gotten nothing short of an "A" on every college exam, and then
KABLAM!, my mind melts down to nothing
but this is how I'm supposed to know everything!, [but not anything]

Intelligence is not learned, for is only attained through experience
the learned are the unknowing, because there is another half to knowing, and we accept, rightfully, that 50% is failure

"Clevinger is a harvard graduate, and Clevinger knows everything about literature, except how to enjoy it." A graduate said that/
But studying is knowledge, and knowledge is money, and money is happiness, right? Right!
<When you live blinded by the artificial light>
Too much intelligence is too much pain, but pain leads to growth, and growth is good, right?
There is too much of a good thing: too much growth is too much pain, and too much pain is too much pain.
There is such a thing, go outside and sit in the sun
Lay back and smell (the_flowers) your/SELF